20 años

Tengo 9 minutos mas que tendre 20 años siento que estoy haviendome grande demasiado rapido, que no disfruto mi vida y me siento muy emo en realidad siento que desperdicie el año

109? roadtrip longest entry EVER

First thoughts on the road errr line to go to Brownsville

I'm not sure for who I wrote that name because I knwo 2 people with the same one, Number 1 is the first he will always be the first no matter what he came to my life when I needed it the most, he is just like me and he gets me more than I get myself, there's no secrets between us and I am sure I will never forget him. But then there's number 2, who showed me a love i could only have dremt of. He showed me how to love, He showed me that it wasn't wrong to give your entire soul in every second that we were together, He & I were one , many times I was his, many times his hands showed me how to touch, how to love, how to press all the buttons. I still hear his voice in my head telling me softly about all the places he wants to kiss, and with his words touching my skin I can feel so much in just one seconds he can bring me to places I never knew, just remembering him brings the most unbelievable chills down my spine memories of sweet love and deep pleasure. ( Here I was cut off by getting to some place)

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Thoughts on the last day

This roadtrip has been a complete disaster. I’ve never felt weirder in entire life. I think depression hit me hard because no one really cares about all the things I care. My best friend was a guinea pig & she spoke to me and said she wanted her nails done and I did one until my cousin decided it was too much poison and I shouldn’t continue. I try to keep a journal because is so important to keep a record of thoughts plus as mas says its just theraphy for the head. First day I got here I was full of memois and I went to a place I wasn’t welcomed before and it was weird but pleasant, I can’t believe how much of a hypocrites my family members are . I am still waiting on my frapuccino that was the bait for all this nightmare, my birthday is coming in two weeks I wonder if I will actually do something I am really not sure if I’ll manage to have time, my heart beats faster as I realize I don’t have much . As I walked the Christmas stuff allies in the store I realize that no one really cares about what I want to do, and this trip was ALL for nothing because not even the family meeting went well as I am concerned. No one in this universe can take things seriously for one second of course until I yell at them and become the public enemy of the entire family. All the time I was thinking I wish I was drunk I wish I had a normal family who wasn’t scared of the evilness of alcohol I want to get drunk so bad, but for my family that’s the ultimate sin, I could be the dirtiest whore that would be ok as long as I do it sober. I am writing and playing a weird retro game and now I will take a writers break to pick up all the stuff because thanks god this hell of trip willl be over soon

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Outlets

I really didn't wanted to eat so I bought a cofee wich was btw the most expensive frapuccino E-V-E-R I am sitting at the food court wich is well... gross I am sitting in a table in the middle of other 2 tables, on one them it's a super cute guy ( talk about human nature LOL) there are 2 bottles at his table wich leads me to the idea that there's 2 people that set there & eat but Where is that other perso? I think it will be a cute skinny girl.

Yesterday my mom and my sister were talking about how much my brother likes skinny girls & How much eeryone usually dislike fat people. I wonder if they will ever notice that I am one of the fat people they critisiz. After we eat we will go shopping where my dad will be a bitch on how much money he spends on me like if I was a terrible burden he has to carry aroud. I find it really amazing that fat people tend to wear Ed Hardy thus I will never ever EVERRRR wear it, I'm already fat so why feed the stereotype. So actually the girl got here and she's skinny probaly size 1-2 her face is a mess but who cares she's skinny right? I know if I don't eat I will die but everytime I eat a little something dies inside of me. I don't think I will find a dress for my birthday watching people eat is one of the weirdest things ever some of them are bored but most seem very happy I wish I could be a happy eater, my dad will get super angry at us because we want to eat ( here I was cut off again and this is the end)

entry #108 mas is ignoring me

Mas is ignoring me mas means more in spanish I want more from mas.

More fiction to come

I finally did it I wrote your name o my skin with a very ugly razor balde I found from sone stuff I got in first semester, it didn't hurt... at all
A-H-M-E-D on my right hip the name of the man I will never forget A... is the first letter in the alphabeth and the first letter that started it all H is such a fancy letter it looks so nice on my white pale skin next to it is the letter M wich is the letter that i crave in the best straight lines are the best and they don't hurt as much as the curves, E is for my ED wich is making me crazy I can look thin and fat at the same time it controls my mind and my body D is the last letter I'm so glad you have a short name that will be in my skin forever
I love Ahmed 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,etc

the end

#107

There's a story I can't seem to take out of my head so I thought why not writting it down. Pure fiction for once.

My name is not to be known, I just want to share a story of my daily life, for years now I had a worm in my head that tells me what to do, as for this moment it tells me to type untill my fingers fall down, last night was hard night I was supposed to sleep I graves aknife and wrote a big A on my hip your name will always be there for me, I was afraid I would do it wrong so I didn't continue with the rest I want to have your name in my body and I'm thankful you don't have a crazy long name because that will hurt, I am not sane, I like to starve and I have all my records on my dear notebook, I'm sure everyone knows about it already but they pretend I'm just a sick atention caller. I spend hours in the bathroom and I'm adicted to laxative pills I hate the thought of having food on my body and surpringly I like to look like I'm sick because that's what I really am, a very sick person. I love to drink I wish I was drunk all the time but then again alcohol has so much calories I can't take it. I cut myself every night and this no one will know because I hide the scars with clothes on place you wouldn't believe. I forgot the rest

*sigh* again this is all in my head

First like in class

Not only I am infront of the entire class I am next to the teacher's desk
some weird taco and a diet dr pepper and coffee
someone just got into the classroom sits on the front row but still everyone is seeing me
ANd they will see me even more because I will show them my pictures
I never liked showing my work because it's my head and my mind I feel like beeing naked in front of them wich is not something I would like.
I stuff my face on coffee.
You pissed me off & as much as I wanted to be nice I said something bad, no regrets
maybe it was the cafeina speaking ( pocho much)
I wish I was mroe tolerant to b.s
I still got 4.5 hours to go and today has been the longest day ever
I miss my tequila hehe mas mas mas

sugar rush up and tears

Sunday was a complete failure regarding everything.
I like temporal things, such as temporal jobs, small time means you never get tired of the rutine. I love long distance relationships, when your man is ehre pay attention when he's gone be yourself I wish I could do that forever and ever.
When I get home I said I ate at work, I ate gossip and pillows later on I'll get my stuff for the photoshoot I just hope dad gets home on time to get the 2 thngs I want. and he did
You are such a wonderful lady he said to me.
Random thoughts
cofee, a finger strip the size of my finger and some STUPID french fries RANDOM THOUGHT

In my head

So I ate a hamburger today and it was the weirdest feeling ever, not because of the meat or anything but seeing the people around me eating it completely freaked me out.
The secret is out as well as my craving for sweets, damn I curse my sweettooth
Today is officially the weirdest day I can't stop eating everything in front of me I take, as for now I am dipping some cookies in chocolate fudge as I watch a program of an old lady that has a young lover.
Today I saw that you were no longer there it was nice meeting you but I wonder why you didn't stay longer, since you were inspiration personified in a fucked up non-existant guy. Am I fucked up or what?

Espirales bathroom blogging

Estoy callendo por un espiral, that couldn't describe me better, I think there's always some old ways that never EVER go away, actually ways that hurt more than you can actually imagine. but then how can you know words mean what they actually mean.
I'm thinking for the first time in a long time I'll trust someone a secret, but then I wonder how would they re-act. *writting break to make some quesadillas* and the writting brewak took me almost oe day, I was so sleepy I cried because my eyes wouldn't close.
The other night a big black butterfly showed up in my room leaving me sleepless and thoughtful for the rest of the night, maybe because I am too supersticious, but really think twice when you decide to neglect this things, I thought everything was fine but thaks to my tequila developed 6th senese the first second i saw the butterfly only one person could come into my head, I tried to ignore it but the thought was there and it was today when I realized my thoughts were real.
For once I will like to get involved in a relationship with someone who is normal or at least less fucked up than me is that too much to ask?
I really miss the time when I was about 15 everything was so nice, new girl in town, people wondering about me, good times.
Old ways are very hard to remove old ways will bring all of us down. A living reminder are my swollen intestines that crackle every night. Last night a pill went down the sink and I wanted to get it back and I couldn't but then again none of this is making sense.
Christmas save me? All the exitemente I had by october is gone by november, I won't have a happy birthday if I don't hear the news.
My old ways are my only friend

pre & post rapidito

Tomorrow I'll start something new thing in my so called now but as for now I feel full of food and not even good food.
TOday is tomorrow and as I drink cofee I ca't stop thinking about donuts so I'll have more cofee. Party at work there was tons of food or at least that's what I said
It's me in the thing! I like when things I write don't ake any sense at all so people can actually wonder what it means
I know that evntually things will get out of control as everything I do but thanks god I am a person that everyone believes in, I am really reliable, right now I'm so sleepy, tired, hungry, weird weird weird
I'll stop this post because is boring and I'll go home soon

Nadie me entiende ni yo mismo me entiendo

I weight myself naked everyday to try to see how much my clothes weight by itself, so far I've discovered converse weight 700 gr pants usually are 500 gr. I count the calories on everything I see and is my obsession to know and write what I eat everyday even if it's to realize I eat way too much,
The other day a complete stranger asked me if I loved him and I said yes he asked how much and I said a lot, I know how fun it is to love a stranger someone who doesn't mean anything it can end anytime and well there's nothing to attach you to that person wich is basically ideal to me.

My dad drove me to school today and he waved as I left it was nice, I really liked it eve if he thought he was embarrasing me.

I was the devil for halloween but I didn' go out becuae I thought I was looking really bad all teh selfconsiousness is finally getting to me.

I sleep early I love sleeping

Someone said I'm actually a little fat, wich is nothing new to me I know it, but hearing someone else sayingit makes it way more real lets me know that I don't have a sickness where I see myself fat, I AM FAT no imagination thing ot whatever